there is too much responsibility placed on the survivor or horrors

i’m taking ab psych and it’s more than disappointing to find that my PhD professor teaches how to diagnose the mood, eating, and other mental disorders, but places an emphasis of healing on the individual without an equal emphasis on the need for the rest of society to acknowledge and be accountable for the suffering of the individual diagnosed with the “disorders”. also, that the level of disorders can range from low to high level of intensity was only mentioned once and little emphasis was placed on the significance of that range. 

while i can see that ab psych is only a low level class, is it not pertinent to teach critical thinking on such issues to present as much of the whole picture as possible? can there be a more integrated level of teaching rather than allow the class, a majority of whom carry the preconceived, society-conditioned notion that it is the individual who is solely  responsible for his/her “disorder”?

because while disorders such as schizophrenia and depression can have more of a genetic component than eating disorders, it would be remiss to present such disorders without emphasizing the significance of the environmental factors that contribute to the manifestation of such disorders. 

a supporting example would be alcoholism.  if alcoholism runs in your family, it is in your genes and thus you are more proned to alcoholism.  however, there is empirical evidence done with identical twins with such a predisposition who were raised in different environments, one with alcohol as a prevalent part of life and the other without such an importance on alcohol. 

the one who grew up without the influence of alcohol did not have problems with alcohol and the one who was raised in an environment with alcohol presented with alcohol abuse and dependence/addiction.

furthermore, other studies have shown that those without a genetic predisposition to alcohol can become addicted to alcohol when raised in an environment with alcohol, while those with a genetic predisposition to alcohol raised in a family without alcohol did not abuse or become dependent on alcohol. 

both studies demonstrate that alcohol abuse or addiction is not solely dependent on one’s genetic predisposition.  i think they even show that the environment has a larger influence on development than what we have been conditioned to think. 

babies are born without a fully developed brain.  evolution has deemed that survival is optimized when the baby can learn and develop, its brain flexible (called plasticity).  the baby, without a fully developed brain at birth has room to grow and adapt to its environment. 

a baby who is not exposed to light within it’s first few months out of the womb fails to develop rods and cones sufficient to absorb colors and light, thus becomes blind.  the faculty for language is developed and enhanced when the baby is exposed to verbal communication, and underdeveloped when lacking such stimulation. 

basically, i’m saying this to emphasize, re-state, reiterate, repeat, that it is not all on us. we developed/suffer (a) mental disorder(s) because our environment, our experiences were/are so fucked up that our bodies and minds have developed ways to cope via these “disorders”, but it is not because we were born to be this way. 

MORE ON THIS LATER.  must bolt to go to my volunteer gig. 

much love and care. 

i wish the rest of my family would have the guts to stand up to it

at least see it, face it, and acknowledge it - instead of just acting like everything is hunky dory because they don’t know how else to deal with - how could you not know?

are they afraid? do they just not want to deal with it because they have their own lives? i mean if we’re a “tight” family then what the fuck?

it’s because the training and conditioning - our family’s upbringing and culture is all about not talking about the truth, about the fuckd upness - just move on and keep moving

what they don’t realize is that the shit doesn’t go away - it festers and comes out as something else - and everyone in its wake has to suffer for that which is ignored

FACING IT changes it - FACE the truth even if and especially when it’s hard - if you want the change that’s what it takes - is it the change people fear? the unknown? (kind of like fearing death because it’s a change from what we know as life now to the unknown or inexistence)

It’s been said that truth will set you free - let’s further define that “freedom” as freedom that has boundaries - which is not “bad” - that which we are made of is fluid and has boundaries - the cell has cytoplasm, particles are free to move around, but it’s bound by a membrane - and that cell membrane is made of fluid particles, but has restrictions regarding which materials to let in/out

So freedom from truth is freedom from the gross, stupid, shit that’s out there and that’s been imposed upon you - freedom with parameters that are set by the forces of nature - freedom to see and to make a real choice - truth and thus integrity is trust - those are boundaries and parameters within and to which I choose to be subject

So I’m not “right” or “wrong” all the time - but the compass shall be truth

btw - my mother’s retarded husband has stated that truth is relative - only a litigator would say that - only a person who has no knowledge of the truth, who doesn’t recognize fact and reason would say and think that - what an idiot

caveat that there are certain truths that could be applicable to all - eg: all humans need oxygen to breathe, we are made of the same basic chemicals, we have organs etc…that are part of larger systems that are interdependent …

and there are truths whose parameters need to be defined.  i.e. 1+1 is only = 2 because we have defined 1 to = 1 item and to say that 1=”1”

if we define 1 as a person, however, even further a male and another 1 as a female and those two combine and procreate, 1+1 in this case = 3

easiest example I can give re: truth needing to have parameters defined in some cases

the ability to make the distinction (as with the ability to make the distinction between/among things one can change and not change - which is also a case where something that cannot be changed now, can be changed later - so “change” here must be defined.  Do we mean change as not having the ability AND potential to change now?  How do you define the words you speak? This must be clarified. 

I find the failure to do this and the assumption that all people or most or even just two people mean the same thing without clarification to be a common cause in conflict

I find this to be necessary in the start of any relationship or dynamic where trust has yet to be established - but clearly, as with my experience in life - even the people I was supposed to trust - were actually the ones who twisted words and meanings around for their advantage

gas lighting

i just went running but i feel angrier

my mother’s husband is indescribable - he’s one of those douchebag lawyers who made millions and thinks he is right all the time, when he’s actually wrong; will never acknowledge that he’s wrong even when he realizes that he is; and will go so far as to hound you and fuck you over because you had the “audacity” to point out that he was wrong

he tells my mom he’s going to “fuck her” in front of me and my mom laughs it off

they are both advanced degreed people - medicine and law - and they act like they’re from the trailer park - and that’s an insult to the trailer park - so i apologize to the trailer park people

my mother and her husband have no excuse - and although it could be argued that they have suffered something to an extent that contribute(s) to the way they think and behave - they

1) choose (which is a term that is a “slippery” slope to me) to ignore whatever feeling they have that leads them to deflect and impose it upon others - which is irresponsible, egregious, self-centered, imperialistic, domineering, and elitist - great - my mother is an elitist CUNT … and that’s where I was borne … awesome … it nauseates me … and mind you it’s not that she IS this way that nauseates me … it’s that she doesn’t acknowledge it … it’s that she denies it and purports herself to be this generous, “good” person - she said it herself “I am a good person” - as if she has to convince herself - is being “good” something one needs to articulate about onesself?  and then puts the onus on me, blames me, all her shame, wrath, and burden unloaded on me for me to carry and be responsible for so she can continue to be an asshole

2) do not acknowledge it to themselves (as aforementioned) - which means their fucked up behavior will continue

AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT PEOPLE LIKE THIS - who are EVERYWHERE - BTW

I used to fight and express and try to prove my mother wrong, help her see the truth - and that was because I was under the impression that she actually thought logically and actually wanted to see the truth - BUT it is actually the truth she refuses - over and over and over- it doesn’t even get that far - she just doesn’t feel good and she reacts - and that’s giving her a huge benefit of the doubt

So what to do - cut off ties with people like this - especially if it’s someone who abuses you, exploits you, takes advantage of you and then denies it, while blaming you for it, and telling you it was your fault, and that you asked for it and that you needed it - yeah - that’s how contradictory she is - she doesn’t even grasp that it is paradoxical - she is just grasping at straws - deflecting and defending where she can so she doesn’t have to face what she has done to me

Religion and other “be the better” person ways of thinking say “forgive and forget” - “She doesn’t know any better” - why the FUCK is that my problem?  Saying it’s up to me to forgive her is illogical - it’s not up to me - it’s not even about me forgiving her - it’s about me forgiving myself - me understanding that what she did to me was HER goddamn responsibility - her goddamn fault - and all the things that I thought and still think about myself that are horrible as a result of her abuse are from her fucking fucked upness

So move on?  What the fuck about what I’m doing and how I’m living isn’t all about moving on?  Do you think that her abuse is going to be forgotten - I FUCKING WISH - it’s seeped into my being, in my thoughts - she was my mother for fuck’s sake - she had me from birth - she planted those goddamn seeds

BUT Guess what? my own self still emerged - this logical, critical thinking being - this person who has reason and understanding and conscious awareness - in spite of her abuse when she was around me and in spite of the men who molested me because she was neglectful - and in spite of the men she continues to allow to abuse me because she is too weak and retarded to stand up and fight for what’s right

I am upset because that douchebag husband of hers cultivates more douchebaggery.  Him and his retarded, insecure, gross daughter and her just as retarded husband.  It’s like they’re swimming in a shit pool of douchebaggery and my little brother and my grandmother have to be around that - and that is the “home” that I have to go “home” to on holidays

and that is the shit that makes me want to smoke cigarettes even though I ran and had a beautiful healthy breakfast, that makes me angry and livid that they occupy even a moment of my time

A shit cesspool of douchebaggery - that’s my mother, her husband et al - I wish my brother, my grandmother, and my aunt could be elsewhere - and we could have our own holidays - but my grandmother is too old to face this, my brother too young, and my aunt - not her problem to deal with it

even in just one moment … there are so many emotions

right now … more appreciation than anything of things that i previously would have been spiraling about … i still spiral some … but i become aware quicker now … that i even become aware that i’m spiralling feels like an achievement

this morning it’s about feeling somewhat sad that i would come across things that people i used to care about [but are now out of my life because they are just chronically toxic and are not on a path to awareness (thus not change) at all] would like and love …

-a song i know they don’t know about and would never hear unless i told them about it…
-a piece of information that will be helpful to them that i know they wouldn’t be able to understand unless i explained it to them
-a witty take on a something that only i see and they would love

and now that i write it, it’s clearly about separation.  i used to take the attitude that i would give and give and give because they needed it.  but that was met with abuse, exploitation, careless disregard (which is redundant, but i always feel like words always fail to convey the sheer atrocities, not only of their offenses, but also of their denial, and thus their indifference to any other person but themselves), to name a few…

so now i have to exercise control over the energy and life that i have, so that i give to those who will appreciate, and to those who will give back in the same manner that i do, with a similar level of awareness and mindfulness

if they’re not starving, homeless, have a terminal disease, academically uneducated, without clothes, then they are fucking responsible and accountable … they have what it takes to become aware … to choose to face their fears … so that they won’t be projecting their anger and abuses onto everyone around them … they are accountable

because guess what … i’ve been through neglect, physical and emotional abuse, sexual molestation by 3 men before i was 5 yo to the time i was 15 … to name a few … and i’m fucking aware … more than i care to be because it’s fucking hard … but i’m doing it so that i don’t project my shit onto other people … it’s called being a responsible, respectable human being with integrity

so what do i appreciate? everything i’ve not only survived, but also all that i have been able to discover and see and experience in spite of, in light of, and in the midst of all that happened …

i appreciate that i can still care and be thoughtful of other people in spite of the atrociousness

people have said that “you probably had to go through those things so that you could be the person you are today” - and that’s not a well thought out statement AT ALL

and i mention this because it’s a statement that is so misleading about how you “should” think about things that happened to you to make you feel better about what happened

but it’s really just other people not knowing how to deal with and experience the trauma you’ve been through - it’s their way of getting you to feel better - and i’d like to feel the way i feel about molestation and my experiences the way i feel about them, thank you very much

it’s not going to be about how YOU want me to feel because you can’t handle it

they’re saying i wouldn’t be the person i am today if i wasn’t molested - are you fucking kidding me?!? how idiotic is that train of thought?

so i appreciate that i’m not as fucking ignorant as those people

i’ll stop here because i could go on and on

so interesting that…who am i kidding…i’m annoyed and i think it’s fucked up, to say the least

some people could be doing the same exact thing and yet have such different motives/intents behind them

example:

two people could be talking about their problems and while both are obviously expressing/releasing and both want/need something, one could be doing it because they (“they” in use to avoid having to distinguish he/she or other) predominantly just want attention and the other because they predominantly want someone to hear their plight and validate their experience

what’s the difference? i’m using “attention” here as a person’s desire/need for someone to be paying attention to them, not because they actually have a problem they need to be solved or need help with, but because they crave, have a need for, are addicted to someone else’s time and effort to be directed to them. the person who is needing attention, in this case, is siphoning time and energy from another other person, with no just cause other than the person’s irrational need for attention

(i’m speaking of adults 23-25 and older - and i say 23-25 and older because it’s the minimum age at which the prefrontal cortex has developed and thus the person is capable of and thus accountable for sound judgment.  obviously it varies with people depending on their nature and nurture, in general people, however, humans’ prefrontals are developed by this age - growth environments with starvation, violence, abuse, and neglect are exceptions) 

the person who is looking for validation of experience is someone who elicits active listening skills from the other person and is thus an exchange that is valuable to both - it perpetuates independence and self-reliance while being able to share space and time in that moment

summary: person who is needy for attention is disregarding of the other person’s time and energy (seems similar to an alcoholic, drug addict, sex addict, any addict - if you’re addicted, you’ll do what it takes to get what you want no matter how it affects other people - if you’re even aware that your addictive behavior affects other people)

here’s the thing that people overlook most often: even if it’s an addiction, thus physiological, such behavior is NOT excusable i.e. it is not ok to fuck other people because you have an addiction and aren’t capable of acting like an emotionally repsonsible adult. 

become aware.  make a genuine attempt to change your behavior, which will be sustainable only when you genuinely attempt to gain an understanding of why the fuck you acted like a total douche.  this will most likely require you to face your inner most insecurities and fear.  yeah it’s fucking hard, but do you want to be a fucking toxic cancer all your life?

i am motherfucking tired tired tired

tired of all the annoying people … of all the people who claim to know things … and claim a professional role … and yet have absolutely no idea they suck at their jobs .. have no idea they are more damaging than helpful

tired of all the social workers who believe that sexual violence depends on the survivor because one may have different feelings about a cat call on the street differently than another

NO NO NO. That cat call is done out of ignorance and total disregard and disrespect for the person to whom it is directed.  It is sexual violence regardless of whether the person to whom the cat call is directed perceives it as such. 

The cat caller failed to recognize and respect the other person as a human being.  The cat caller acted as if s/he only had emotions and no prefrontal cortex to balance the emotions with judgment, and a respectful decision.  The cat caller made the cat call as if s/he had no consciousness, no pause, no tools with which to balance the urge. 

As an adult human being, s/he does. Even if that person was traumatized him/herself. 

I am tired of professionals being ignorant, of people making lame excuses for “not knowing” and patting themselves on the back for “trying” and “making an effort” … it’s not motherfucking enough … and they know it … they’re just being babies … worse since babies really aren’t culpable and adults are. 

Reavers. 

i am so exasperated by everything

Sometimes even my aunt who is the one who most understands can be a total cunt

she acts competitively, her sibling rivalry with my mom emerges and she takes it out on me…in fact her sibling rivalry with me (which is weird) appears with regard to her son and my brother (who are the same age) emerges and she competes with me - it’s very strange

with all this madness - how can I even conceive of going to work everyday with the same drab, clueless people in deep deep denial?

it is madness to accept that this is life - it is madness to accept that life is just insane - it is not life that is insane - it is civilization that’s insane

people have a conscious but they choose to ignore it - people choose to ignore what is painful - over and over and over and over again - until they think all they are is happy - when they’re really just totally disconnected 

because your body doesn’t let you get away with it - the forces of nature doesn’t let you get away with it - it manifests in different ways - it’s always trying to signal to you

signs signs everywhere signs

addiction, violence, abuse - these are indicators of a bigger than one person issue - these are indicators of society at large and what we have ignored over and over and over and over and the things we indirectly allow to happen by turning away at the things we’d rather not see or know

how do you reconcile the horror you’ve

experienced and seen

How do you reconcile that there seems to be more ignorant, violent, abusive, fearful people in the world than there are people who are willing to face the truth and make an effort to be responsible

and what happens when the injuries aren’t visible by anyone but you

when the injuries aren’t physical
when the damage is in your mind
and in your heart